On Going Home

I was cautiously excited and bracing myself for the uncertain reactions from family and friends. I’ve been looking forward to coming home for months. I miss the weather, the food, my belongings, familiar places, but most of all the loving and supportive company of my family and friends.

There were one too many times where I thought… ”Gee, I feel like a 100 years old, as if I’ve lived a very long time.” I suppose adjusting to living in a foreign country does that to you.

I was nervous about people’s reactions because I’ve changed so much! I’ve lost weight, cut off my long black hair and have different perspectives of people and life, which in turn have probably altered my behaviour too. I wasn’t sure whether these changes would affect my relationships. There could possibility where I’m no longer accept because I don’t act like “Ling Ling” anymore.

I’ve been home 2 week now. Other than a several mildly unpleasant conversations, its pretty much life as normal. It felt as if I’ve never left! Life in Malaysia has stopped for me until I returned.

Just as life before I left, mom constantly persuades me to eat every 5 minutes.

Just as life before I left, my brothers and I spoke till late in the night about movies, PC games and the meaning of life.

Just as life before I left, my friends laughed heartily over pints of Kilkenny and Guinness. Although, there were fewer ‘fat’ jokes.

Maybe I’ve not noticed this before or maybe I’ve been taking this for granted. No matter how much I’ve changed, be it my hair color or my religion, my family and friends have accepted me. Openly and lovingly. It took 15 months in the UK to teach me how to accept myself, for every wrinkle and every flaw. It is in learning how to openly and lovingly accept myself that I was able to see others extend this love towards me. Living in the UK was spiritual lesson that my conscious needs, to teach me about unconditional love.

I am speechless grateful. Thank you!

Learning to simplify, let go and un-hoard!

I’m guilty of hoarding. I hoard books, shoes, magnets and all forms of memorabilia. Every time I pack up and move out. I’d have to keep cutting down on stuff.

This is 2 car loads worth of hoarding over 4 years while living in Penang.

 

Is this important to me? Do I still need to use this? Will I use this in the future?

The whole process of packing and moving forces you to consider every thing you have. With every item, there’s a mental debate in my head. But most of the time, my sentimental heart wins over my sometimes-logical mind. My heart sympathetically begs…

‘But <insert name here> gave me this <insert ugly item of not use here> for my birthday! Wasn’t that really sweet of them?’

My heart will then pout its lips, batt its long lashes and remind me of the many wonderful (though most probably not so wonderful) times we had together. In the end, I have too many things with very little space to keep them. Knowing this, I still end up buying and keeping a car load of things after less than a year in the UK.

 

1 car load of stuff collected over a year while living in the university halls.

All the packing has made me acutely aware of everything I buy. Because eventually, i’d have to face the same heart and mind debate when I uproot and move again. So, I had managed to sell, recycle, donate and give away alot of stuff before returning home.

The 4 backpacks and suitcases after recycling, donating, selling and giving all my other stuff away.

Now that I’m home, I’m faced with floor to ceiling high of drawers, cupboards and wardrobes of things I’ve hoarded in the past. My main mission, while I’m back, is to cut down on all these things I no longer use.

Stay tuned as I post items for sale and giveaways!

FREE Hair Cuts!

I looked on gumtree in the freebies section one day and stumbled upon free hair cuts. And I thought, why not? Even though I’ve been cutting my own hair for the whole year, I needed a new hair style. I’ve had layered long hair for far too long and its time for a change.

So I booked an appointment with a salon called ‘Real Hair‘ in South Kensington and here are the before and after photos of my hair cut!

BEFORE

AFTER

Its a HUGE change from the hair I use to have and it’ll take some time for me to get use to. But then again, I needn’t worry about tying up my hair anymore.

Finding home…

The past week has been hectic. Just a weekend after my temp job, I packed my Deuter backpack with simple clothing and a pair of flip-flops and took an hour’s train ride to Berkhamsted. Berkhamsted is a quaint village, with a small channel that runs through the village all the way to the Thames River, and is surrounded by the beautiful British countryside of autumn trees. The Amaravati Buddhist Monastery was snuggled comfortably among vast forests and farms, a good 5 miles away from Berkhamsted in the middle of nowhere.

It was an amazing 4 days, 3 nights! I’ve never felt so accepted, peaceful, enlightened and liberated ever in my life! Despite catching a cold, I loved every moment of it! I’d thought that life without internet or mobile phone or any connection with the outside world would be devastating and even tormenting.

But it wasn’t.

In a sense, it felt as if I finally found ‘home’. My home.

I’ve always struggled with where my ‘home’ is. I’ve lived in so many places and no where ever felt comfortable enough to be my home. The monastery did. Or at least, it taught me how to find the ‘home’ within me. Even the thought of it brings much inner peace and joy.

I was taught that all we need in life is food, shelter, clothing and sleep. Every other material things we seek, including money, is a form of craving. Craving leads to suffering. And suffering keeps us in the cycle of birth and rebirth. With that in heart and mind, all of life’s stresses and worries fell away. Life seemed simpler. Life IS simple, only we make it more complicated than it should.

At the end of it, I wished I could’ve stayed there longer, to learn as much as this beautiful teaching could offer! I wished I could’ve stayed there forever.  But, no. There is a life to lead and a purpose to fulfill. I suppose, only after then, I’ll dedicate myself to buddhism.

******

I have only a week, 7 days, before I return home. It would have been 15 months that I’ve lived away from home, away from familiar places and faces.

I’m nervous. I’m nervous because I’ve changed. I know my family and friends have changed.

But will we have things to talk about? Or after exhausting all superficial conversation and into the long awkward silences, will that be a sign of growing apart?

I suppose we’ll see. T-minus 7 days and counting…

3 weeks of HELL!

Alright. It wasn’t hell. I was at a temp job with the university, registering first year, post graduates, part-timers and mature students for the next academic year. I’m sure glad I came out of it alive and with a little ££ to last the next couple of months. Despite it being temporary gig, I’ve learned many lessons from it; about myself and the jobs I’d be willing to hold in the future.

I believe that restricting a person to a computer for 8 (or more) long hours is complete unnatural. Being human is to be moving about, being outdoors and talking to others rather than silently and robotically typing away at a screen. It also made me wonder how I had tolerated such work in the past. But then again, why hadn’t I realize this before? What had changed in me to realize this?

I’ve also learnt that there was connection between self-worth and earnings. When you feel worthless, you’re willing to settle for a lower paying job. When you feel you’re valuable, you’re not as willing to settle for a lower paying job. When I first arrived, I felt that not having any British work experience was a disadvantage and I allow myself settle for jobs that were worth nearly nothing. Somehow, this temp job slapped that lesson straight into my face. The work I was doing was worth twice of what I was getting paid for. Though I suppose, alot of people experienced the same thing… being overworked and underpaid! Never again!

Looking back, I hadn’t had much rest since I’ve started my masters 15 months ago (except for the Barcelona trip). As a treat (or not), I’ll be heading off to the Amaravati Buddhist Monastery in Great Gaddesden for a 4 day/3 night meditative retreat. The monastic life seemed grueling, with meditation sessions as early as 5.30am and eating only before midday. Its schedule and regulation is only a small price to pay for a cheap holiday (free accommodation) and to get away from the stresses of life. I also hope to gain insight/enlightenment into my 15 months stay in the UK and to look for answers…

Why had I come here? What had I gained? Who had I become?

We’ll see. I might be the first female Buddha after my 4 days stay!